Computers versus Cars

 

Cars versus Computer. Created in Tensor Art by Shannon Callahan

By KRAFTJ14 on Tuesday, November 25, 2003

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics, and I just love this part:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!!

Welcome to Dragons Blowing Bubbles

 

Mother and baby dragon on rocks just above the water, with bubbles in the air against an evening landscape above a lake. Created on Tensor.art by Shannon Callahan.

Join me for a sojourn of humor and other short blogs. Please leave a comment if you enjoy the blog you read so I will know what to produce more of. Let's laugh together, cry together, adopt a dragon, pet a cat, pet a dog, smile at someone, lift another's spirits, and just enjoy the company of one another for the moment. Moments are fleeting, let this one be restful. If you have a story, a piece of humor, or a funny photo you would like to share and see in a post on this blog, please let me know in the comments. 

Thank you for being here. I appreciate you.

To the tune of Star Wars, may the humor be with you.

Texas Chili Contest

 This was an email passed around in 2005. It eventually found its way to me, and the original sender is FSSchartner.

Texas Chili Contest top half of sign. Art by Shannon Callahan

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. 

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.                           

CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to tasteit. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. woman isstarting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waster I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I to can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My parts are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing-it’s too painful. I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 (Frank) - No Report.

Politically Incorrect Santa

Author Unknown

If you know who the original author is, please let me know in the comments so I can properly credit them. Thank you! 

Rudolph with his lawyer. Prompt created by Shannon Callahan

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck,

How to live in a world that is politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,

“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with four pigs and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in overdue compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’s ne’er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

If you would like to see more of this type of humor, let me know in the comments below. 

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day…

Author Unknown

If you know who the original author is, please let me know in the comments so I can properly credit them. Thank you!

Santa having a bad day. Created in LimeWire by Shannon Callahan

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa was beginning to have a bad day.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

'Twas the Night Before Impeachment

 by Chris Duel

I made a fun little video of this poem if you prefer to listen and watch rather than read:

'Twas the Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, 

All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, louse.

The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,

In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,

While visions of perjury danced in their heads.

And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,

Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.

When out in the Gulf, there arose such a clatter,

They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear

But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,

They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!

More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!

On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"

"From Capital Hill to the Washington Mall,

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!!!"

And then the Republicans heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As they scratched their heads and were turning around,

The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was he eating from his humble pie,

While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.

A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,

It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump-a right jolly old elf,

And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.

And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke with the right words and went straight to his work

Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."

And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,

By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,

Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.

They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,

"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."

Would you like to see a revised version of this poem? Or perhaps a version with a commentary? Let me know in the comments.

If you would like to see more of this type of humor, let me know in the comments below.

Politics

 Another little jewel of humorous storytelling that was passed around years ago. I was just tickled it fell into my lap!

Author Unknown

If you know who the original author is, please let me know in the comments so I can properly credit them. Thank you!

Photo by Holly Landkammer on Unsplash

A small boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it his way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

If you would like to see more of this type of humor, let me know in the comments below.

Honk if you Love Jesus

A couple of decades ago, this short, funny, fictional, tongue-in-cheek story about someone who is hopelessly naïve, was faxed/emailed around. I was lucky enough to be one of the recipients. 

Authors: Ralph and Julie

Photo by Shannon Callahan

The other day, I went to a local religious bookstore where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed! 😍

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found out that lots of people love Jesus! 🙌 Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy! He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, 🏈"Go, Jesus Christ, Go!!"🏈

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved🙋and smiled back at all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "Sunny Beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back! 

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray🙏, but just then I noticed the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas! It's a good thing I did because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile😁, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!✞

Please let me know in the comments if you like the emojis or not. I'd like to take your feedback and revise the posts.